Does Female Submission Contradict Feminism?
According to Merriam-Webster, feminism is defined as “belief in and advocacy of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes expressed especially through organized activity on behalf of women’s rights and interests.” Submission is defined as “the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant.”
Though these definitions may be technical, they do allow us to have a better understanding of how feminism and submission can have a working role together.
“Can I be a feminist and be submissive?”
I recently received this question, and the answer is yes! You can absolutely be a feminist and be submissive at the same time.
I am submissive. It means I give away my power to submit to a dominant male (or female). In my opinion, feminism fights for equal rights — this includes the right to make your own choices. This includes choosing to give your power away and be submissive.
I know. Sometimes submission looks like a 50’s housewife, waiting for her husband to come home, take his shoes off — and yes, this is one of the ways that you can choose to be in your relationship. But that’s the whole point. You have a choice, and you get to choose. Within BDSM, dominance and submission is a consensual exchange of power, and this voluntary choice would never have been made possible without feminism.
To be submissive is to willingly submit. If you don’t have a choice in what you are doing, then you aren’t submitting. Without feminism, there would be no choice, therefore without feminism, there is no submission.
Feminism
In the Forbes article titled What Is Feminism, And Why Do So Many Women And Men Hate It? the author Kathy Caprino, says:
Feminism at its core is about equality of men and women, not “sameness.” So many people offer up the argument that women are not the “same” as men so there can’t be equality. In other words, because their bodies are different (many say “weaker” and smaller), and because men and women have different physical capabilities, these physical differences mean equality is not possible.
It’s critical to understand that “same” does not mean “equal.” The issue here is about equal rights and equal access to opportunities. Men and women don’t have to be the “same” in physicality to have the right to equality.
I agree with Caprino. In a relationship, there should be equal opportunity for both partners to choose to be dominant or submissive. Whatever they choose is up to them. There are so many men who love to submit, and it doesn't make them any less masculine, as a submitting woman would be more or less submissive.
Submission on a Scale
Imagine a scale from 1 to 10. Now imagine instead of 1 to 10, the ends are masculine to feminine. As a society, we have put almost everything on this scale of masculine to feminine — including dominance and submission.
Every relationship has submission — not just in the bedroom. In some relationships, one person may be the primary driver, this would make them more dominant while the other person is submitting- to be the passenger. This could also be the situation with cooking, or cleaning, or anything that one person does more, or has more authority on. Submission is not so much about doing or not, it's about who is in charge. My ex-husband was a fantastic handyman. I loved helping him, and he would let me, but he would be in charge- so I would listen to him- and accept him as the dominant partner in this area.
Certain acts can be considered or perceived to be “more male” or “more female.” For example, someone might say that driving is a more masculine task. This does not mean that a female cannot be the primary driver in a relationship. If she chooses not to be the primary driver and chooses to be the passenger this does not make her less of a feminist. Rather, she is practicing her right to have a choice to submit to be the passenger.
It’s not anti-feminist to be dominant either. At my core, I am more submissive than dominant, in a relationship. In saying that, I do find that being dominant can be very nurturing, caring, and loving- it comes with a huge responsibility. My Master chose to be a Master on purpose (as opposed to Dom, or Daddy, or Sir, because he sees his role more similar to the spiritual masters- who would do what it takes to bring their apprentices to the next level. They often have a parental role: taking care of their apprentice's growth, challenge them, help them become a better, and more free, person.
We are all different. We are all on different ends of the spectrum for different aspects of who we are and what we like. And it doesn't matter where you are on the spectrum. You may love it to cook for your partner, and take care of him. It doesn't make you anything less of a woman, and it doesn't give you any fewer rights, or being less valuable. We tend to value the leaders more, but hey… I don't know if you saw the list of crucial jobs during lockdowns? Here in the Netherlands, the crucial jobs were suddenly the nurses, and the school teachers, the public servants… I didn't see any CEO of a big bank on the list…
Submission may sound "soft" to you. Soft, or even weak. But let me tell you this. To submit requires a very powerful decision. To trust someone, to give away your power?
Our relationship may not be equal, but it is balanced. We both get what we need and want out of it. I wonder if equality actually exists- and if it is something to strive for anyway. If one of you is a fantastic cook and the other hates it, would you really want to both cook 3,5 days a week? Why?
Find equality in how you let each other thrive, how you work together to get the best out of your relationship.
International Women’s Day
International Women’s Day (March 8) is “a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women.” It is a day focused on celebrating women, raising awareness for women, and recognizing just how powerful women are.
International Women's Day is to me a day of celebrating my femininity, my gratefulness to being born a woman, and I hope it will raise more awareness and appreciation for female aspects, that everyone has.
Celebrate your femininity, your "female" qualities. Being able to listen, to connect, to care. Whether you are a man or a woman. Celebrate the women in your life who have positively impacted you. Enjoy and cherish International Women’s Day. I know many women still don't have equal rights when it comes to education, jobs and yes, also sex and relationships. Let's work on a future where every woman and man gets the opportunity to choose to be who they want and need to be, no matter how feminine or masculine it is.
I am celebrating International Women's Day. And because of that, I want to offer you my book, Sex Truth and Freedom, for free (Only on March 8). I found my freedom to choose to be who I really am, in submission, and I want to inspire you with this book to find YOUR freedom, whatever that may be.
The book is a combination of Eat, Pray, Love and 50 Shades of Grey.
Watch my video on feminism and submission here.